Process

Pain… a subject that keeps coming up. A topic none of us can ever avoid or simply gloss over. We all live in denial and act like pain doesn’t bother us. We live in denial. I am a huge fan of this method of coping mechanism. It’s a really bad tactic. Why? Because you implode and everything falls apart. Or you explode and you end up hurting the people around you. So, ask yourself, which are you?

If you are a person who explodes as a reaction to pain, you take all your emotions and pain and throw it in the face of others. You blame everyone and everything, even if they are not involved in your hurt. Everyone deserves your wrath because you’re in pain. I have dealt with many people who have treated me poorly, purely cause they were let down by someone else.

I have such destine for the phrase “hurt people hurt people”. I literally get so fired up when I hear someone excuse away someone’s rude or bad behavior by telling me this. Frankly, I do not care! Truth is, everyone is hurting. Everyone has seen dark days and experienced such pain that they wanted to hide in a corner. However, not all people hurt others. Some people show restraint and do not take their anger out on others. There is a difference in blowing up in a moment out of anger and apologizing and blowing up all the time and acting like you have a right to do it because “you are going through something.”

I have been in situations where I have lost my temper and taken my anger out on the wrong people. Yet, I try so hard to never start my apology with “oh well, you know I’ve been going through a hard time…” because it is irrelevant. Regardless of what is going on in my world, I have no right to come in and scream and hurt people because of it. Maybe there is a reason for why you blew up, but you have no right. So yes, if you are and exploder, go ahead, lose your cool. But please, try not to lose it on other people. Go for a run, watch a good movie where you get a chance to scream, or listen to very loud music in your car. And if you do explode and hurt people you care about in the blast, just tell them you are sorry. No excuses, just apologize.

Now, I am definitely an imploder. I destroy myself from the inside out. I run away from my feelings as fast as my big thighs will carry me. The phrase ‘fake it til you make it’ holds a special place in my heart. Oscars could be given to me based on how well I act “Okay” in the face of depression or anxiety. Why is it so hard to process our pain? Why is it so hard to process our emotions?

See the thing is, being an imploder, I don’t feel the need to seek help because why involve more people in my pain? Honestly, most of the time we are in pain because of other people . Or worse, we are in pain because of something we did to someone else. So I just IMPLODE. Give up and process everything inside because involving people in my own mess is too much.

Have you ever felt that if you involve other people in your life you are giving them a burden they can’t bear? Have you ever felt like if you involve other people they will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself? Or worse, what if you let people in and they help you. Until one day, they do not want to help you anymore, leaving you in the lurch with nowhere to go.

Well I feel that on a daily basis, and it’s exhausting. And do you wanna know what’s sad? I have amazing friends. I have friends that would carry my pain to the moon if they could. I have family who would literally take my pain from me. Yet, I still I fear trusting them because I worry about being a burden or being let down. The thing is we can’t put all our faith in people because they will let us down. But, that doesn’t mean we don’t need each other. We just have to take the risk that it will work out anyway.

Whatever your response is to pain, whether you explode or implode or something in between, I’m here to tell you they are all a form of running and they are all bad. I want to learn how to process things better. The best way to process things is to talk about it. Whether its therapy, going to a bible study, or seeking counsel from family and friends, the key is to talk. Another thing that I have found that has helped me process pain rather then run from it is just to listen to the people around you. Like I said everyone is hurting and sometimes it is a lot easier to carry other people’s burdens then our own. So hand your stuff over to someone you trust and take their stuff in return. This kind of community is what changes lives.

I know I’m not alone in having these thoughts and feelings, so to you out there who is reading this and is about to explode, take a deep breath, you are going to make it. If you are reading this and you are so lost inside your mind and your own confusion, find a friend and talk it out and then get ready for another day.

Life is a process.

Stay Excellent,

Megan O’Neal