I Wish
“I wish I was more confident.” This is a thought that flies through my head on a daily basis. I find myself constantly wishing my life was different or more so, that I was different. I say self deprecating little comments out loud and in my head all of the time. I tear myself down so much I do not even see it. Friends just look at me and I can tell they have grown tired of encouraging me. The sad truth is, I’m not actually looking for reassurance. I believe in not lying to others or to myself. So when people tell me things that I find contrary to who I think I am, I struggle to believe them. I feel like they are lying to me, but deep down I know they mean it. My brain implodes with the contradiction.
I find myself lying in bed at night screaming in my head “ Dang it Megan! Why aren’t you more confidant?! It’s not cute to have this low self esteem.” Yet, nothing changes. I’ve stayed the same. Now sure, I’ve had moments of confidence. I’ll go through phases of building myself up and actually feeling good about myself. Then something happens and that feeling shatters. Several months ago, my confidence in who I am as a person really crumbled. I began to wonder if I was a good friend or even a good person. My whole integrity was put into question. I became exhausted. I tore myself to pieces. The crazy thing is, I did it to myself. Sure, my spirals usually start with me reacting to the way someone treated me. But in the end , I exploded all on my own. I allowed another person to make me feel like nothing. The sad truth is, I don’t think that much of myself anyway. So when someone made me feel worthless, I willingly accepted it because, to me, it was just an affirmation for how I already felt about myself.
One day after a long talk with on of my closest friends we came to the conclusion that the only thing stopping me from being confidant was me. Here’s the thing, there is a big difference in being confident and having confidence in yourself. I can be confidant. When my hair looks just right, my makeup is on point, and I’m not bloated, I am on cloud nine. I feel unstoppable. But man that takes a lot of effort and I don’t always have the time or patience to do all that to just feel a little bit better about myself. Plus all of those things are a very small part of who I even am. So I came to the conclusion that if I am the only one who can fix it, well I better get to fixing it. It’s not enough to have confidant moments, I want to be confident in who I am. So I have devised a game plan.
TELL THE TRUTH: First step for me is, I need to start telling myself the truth, even when I don’t believe it. For me, the first place I look for these truths is the bible. Because to me, God is the only one who sees me fully. He knows what He made me for, even if I’m not confident in my purpose all the time.
SPEAK UP: Second step it to start verbally telling myself good things. And to stop cutting myself down so much. So when I lose those five extra pounds I’ve been working hard to lose, or tell a really funny joke, I am going to pat myself on the back. When I accomplish my goals and push through adversity I am going to tell myself that I am awesome! I’ve always felt if I encourage myself or believe in myself I’m somehow being prideful. In reality, you can be humble and still have confidence in yourself or who God made you to be. You don’t want to let your ego grow to an unhealthy level but self deprecation doesn’t work either.
ACCEPT KINDNESS: The third step is to be grateful when people are kind to me. I have such a poor image of myself that I believe that when anyone is nice to me or pays me a compliment they are lying because I don’t deserve their kind words. When people tell me I look cute my response is always “Eh, I look okay.” Or if people say I wrote a good story I always say “well it could have been better.” I did not realize how rude this came off until one of my friends told me that when I answered a kind gesture with a negative remark I seemed ungrateful. It was a huge reality check, because I would never want to hurt anyone. So I’ve started making an effort to just squeeze out the words “thank you”. I’ve started to actually think that people mean it when they say something nice or give me something, instead of believing they are fake. It’s not easy, it’s very hard to break a habit, but you’ve got to start somewhere.
I want to trust the things that are true and good about me. I want to be honest about my flaws and find a way to grow. Part of confidence is being able to change for the better. So I am posting some inspirational messages on my mirror (cheesy but helpful). I’m going to wear that dress that makes me feel fabulous any old day because I can. I am going to stop saying horrible things in my head and out loud about myself. New habits are hard to form but hey it’s time to move forward.
So to you out there in your own head, questioning everything you are, look to the truth. Fill your world with true statements about you and forget all the other crap. You are as confident as you want to be.
Stay Excellent,
Megan O’Neal